Jus' - II

It's a new day, a new beginning,
Some voices I have started to listening,
Voices of my mind and of my soul,
And I don't regret coz my heart is pure.

I see through my thoughts and belief,
And I know I ain't wrong- a relief,
No regrets if an imagination wants to relive,
I still feel complete even if it is primitive.

The fear I have is fading away,
Still trying to find my own way,
Next to me is a shadow I admire,
I regret not to realize it prior.

Feel so glad that I found a pearl,
The shine is so bright that the sight is blur,
The belonging is more than precious,
I thank God for being so gracious.

- Anusha Bhadauria

Note: Could not think of any title complement these words.

Take Me Home...

Leaves are falling again,
The sky is getting darker,
I am tired of strolling alone,
Please hold my hand,
And take me home.

This mob frightens me,
Loneliness sends shivers down my spine,
Don't know how to deal with this fear,
Something I have faced all my life,
I am still waiting for you down here,
Please take me home.

Just a moment next to you,
Before I break free from my life,
I need to reside in your embrace,
Just for a while,
I no longer can be alone,
I wanna be home.

The stars won't stop shining,
Clouds won't come down to embrace me,
Wish I could fly with this wind,
Or could live in the ocean,
But I will still be alone,
Won't you take me home.

Parents

This weekend was an amazing experience. I spent quality time with my parents when I celebrated Diwali with my parents after three years. The first surprise when I reached home was the box of my favorite crackers waiting for me. I was thrilled as that is the best thing I find in Diwali. After a little discussion about how my day was at work my mum wanted me to get some sleep and I needed it too. I woke up after few hours of nap and we started preparing for evening pooja. All this while we were teasing each other which was the real fun. Me teasing my mum and dad, they teasing each other and fighting over small things and I totally loved it. After finishing the pooja I hurried to lit lamps, diyas and candles. Then the best part of my Diwali came...Crackers. My dad and mum were with me while I was preparing myself to burst crackers. That every moment was lovely when my father was making sure that I run immediately after I put cracker on fire. My mum was equally enjoying the lights and the colorful crackers. The time was simply amazing. After I finished bursting all the crackers we came back home and relaxed for a while. We never stopped yapping and laughing on silly things happening around and on comments we made on each other. My father clicking my pictures. His source of inspiration to be a photographer - Me. That I can justify because I see only me in old albums. Anyways, after relaxing for a while we enjoyed our special dinner cooked by my mum. Again talking talking and talking. Yeah like me my whole family is talkative and we can talk for hours about stupid things. I don't know when I fell asleep keeping my head on my dad's chest and holding him until I realized when he was covering me with my blanket. I could hear some quite voices at the back of my mind. My parents were talking about me and all I could know that they were content watching me asleep peacefully. They were talking about how their life will be when I will not be around.

I can not even count how many times I had put my parents in pain but ofcourse they say that I am a bliss for them. How my parents must have felt when they held tiny me for the first time in their arms the day I was born. How they must have felt when I used to hold their hands with my little fingers. When they heard me calling them mum papa for the first time. First day of my school, how they must have felt see me crying and then waiting for me outside the school gate to take me home. When my mum brought me colors and I painted home walls and my mum laughed and praised as she found my painting adorable. How much pain it would have given them when I fell sick and did not eat for two days. How happy was my parents to see me performing on the stage on the school annual function. They couldn't resist smiling watching little me dancing. When I scored less in my 10th standard board exams and my father said, "it's okay, I am still proud of you." How happy were they when I was one of the top students in 12th standard. The first day of my college and my father calling me every one hour to make sure that I was okay. How they must have felt when I came late from college and they waiting for me outside home. The concern and scare they were going through when I came late at night from a college party and they still waiting just to make sure that I as alright. The first day at my work place ever and my father calling me and asking me to let him know if I needed anything. And there were millions of other moments they must have lived thinking of me and taking care of me.

Now another pain I will put them through by leaving them. When I will be a part of another family. Everything will change starting from my last name and priorities. They are worried if I will be taken care of the way they have been taking care of me. How will they feel when they won't see me around when they wake up in the morning and listen to all the crap I say. Leaving their girl in the hands of somebody else. They haven't found that somebody yet but they will soon. And then they already say they will miss me as there will be no one to tease them and make them laugh. They will not find anyone around them to act like a stubborn child to make them do things which are in less priority list for the day. And many more moments which they will cherish and I have treasured them too. I have spent my time and tears over relationships which didn't work out and I do not know if what I feel right now will be favorable to me. All this while what I ignored was the care I was continuously getting from dawn to dark. I am blessed with these relationships I did not chose but I lived, unconditionally. I am already missing it and I will always miss the soft touch of hands of my parents when they always held my hands and on every step of my life which of-course I did not realize.

This weekend and Diwali was the best time I ever had and I thank God that he made me realize that how lucky I am to have my parents next to me. I love them.

Thank You God!

God,
As I will be living another day with your grace,
I want to thank you for everything I have been blessed,

A beautiful family and a life full of smile,
Though I am still waiting for a surprise,

I am sorry for the days when tears I have shed,
And all the complaints that I have made,

I am sorry for the days I have forgotten that you lighten up my days,
And all the time as I have ignored when you showed me the ways,

I understand that all you have given is best,
And I leave my life in your hands whatever is rest.

~ Anusha Bhadauria

I Sense The Love

When those eyes look at me,

I can sense a mystery,

When that voice calls my name,
It brings me a little pain,

His thoughts separate the shadow of cloud,
Why this perplexity speaks so loud,

I have lived for another day,
Waiting for a fairytale to come my way,

Can not stop clock ticking,
I wanna stop this time from running,

Every time I close my eyes I see a beautiful face,
I know it's you but I can not chase,

Maybe we aren't meant to be together,
But I am in pain and getting into it deeper,

I wish we could be together,

And I could give you my love forever.

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

Dubious

Could there be another way,
I tried to find it everyday.

I am trapped in this cage like a bird,
Please set me free if you heard.

All I can see is a crimson patch,
But I realize it's fading away.

May be what I desire is not meant to be,
Or there is something I couldn't see.

What this commotion is all about,
Will sun break free of the clouds?

I turn around and try to know what I am leaving behind,
I wanna see the reflection of my dreams.

Clouds in my head part away by his voice,
I don't care if I am wrong cause' it's my choice.

I am stuck in this dubious battle,
I hope it is not too late...

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

I Exist (Existence is Hidden)

Yes. I do exist. I exist like an unknown tree in a forest. I exist like an ignored flower blooming in a potted plant kept in one corner of the garden. I have been so away from affection that now I don't realize it's importance. I know that one day this isolation may make me fall or may be I will be picked up like a flower by someone unknown passing through the meadow and my existence may come to an end. But is that it? Is that what I am existing for? No idea and I don't really think about it but what I know now is that "I exist". Though my existence is hidden like a pearl in an oyster traveling across the sea searching for someone to set it free. It's not been long when I realized that happiness don't come to me easily. I keep searching for something new but nothing happens. Number of trials have failed and I am here left in this darkened place. I am just running and what I see is another dark path. I don't know if I've missed a door which could have led me through the light. A kind of numbness taking place inside me leaving me hollow. This hollow part helps the friendly voice to screech and produce an echo and then to disappear leaving behind a silence and I am scared to break that silence. I know I am searching for something but that something is nothingness. This nothingness gives me a satisfaction which is enough for me to survive everyday. There is something messing up with my thoughts which is beyond explanation. I am trying hard to come out of these clouds which have created haze around me. And I feel today that I am done.

Still "I EXIST", fighting these nuisances.

Still Finding Myself....

I am leaving a part of my emotions behind,
I am afraid it doesn't belong to me,

I am glad that I did not get blind,
b'cause the truth I could see,

Who knows that it is not fake what I hide,
Your essence is what sets me free,

Why I feel so weak inside,
I wanna win and I fight,

I can see nothing in your eyes,
It is just a phase and it will die,

Your presence makes me more lonely,
All I see is a crimson patch fading away,

I feel so numb and lost in this swarm,
And I am still finding myself...

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

On Valentine's Day!

I asked God to show me the way,

He gave me signs on Valentine's day,

Cupid's heart was beating for me,

Thought I could handle but jus' wanted to flee,

That slight touch was so pure,

Wish nexus will never be torn,

I confess the continuity of mystification,

I still have the proclivity to take depravation,

Mind jus' wanna be a little stealth,

Inspite of the felicity it felt.

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

Perplexity

Perplexity longing to freak out,
Celebrations seem to be so wrong...

My mind is engrossed in some thoughts,
And heart doesn't know what it wants...

Started loving the silence around me,
Don't know what can set me free...

There's no easy way out of these shackles,
I feel nothing but so much of frazzles...

Time is running out and i am still there,
May have loads of ways but doors seem to be rare...

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

Pearl

Not made from a grain of the sand,
Wants to breathe on this land,

Surviving for years in the deep ocean,
Splendorous, precious and priscilla-n,

Lives to get released from the oyster,
Where it has been left cloister,

The beauty is so un-touched and pure,
Love it and you will regret no more,

The protection of shell hides it's beauty,
Still it achieves the shine and the glory.

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

Have we ever realized, how different it makes us feel –

Walking on the grass,

One ray of sunlight in the gloomy sky,

Droplets of frozen crystals,

Catching the rain drops,

Swaying with the wind,

Clouds floating in the sky,

Walking through the mist,

Looking at the falling leaves,

Sitting under a tree and contemplating,

Fragrance of flowers,

A soft touch of a baby,

A dim lamp in the dark night,

Waves of the ocean touching the feet,

A musical instrument,

Holding hands,

Writing in the sand,

Fear when driving through a dark jungle,

Sip of coffee in the snowfall,

Playing with the colors when don’t know what to paint,

Watching shooting stars and asking for a wish.

They do make us feel different in certain way.

- Anusha Bhadauria

Affliction....

Decisions were wrong,
Emotions were strong,

Actions were prompt,
Aftermaths were blown,

Regrets forever,
Trust acquaintances never,

Beliefs were torn,
Deceptions were born,

Was trying to catch rains in my fist,
And could never see through the mist,

Dreams were washed away by tears,
And souls were surrounded by fears,

Spilled water dried up,
Feelings were all cried up,

Hollow inside was taking the pain,
Strolling the world seeking no gain,

Gone was all the inclination,
Heart was full of affliction,

There's no end to this dark tunnel,
Going down in the ocean like a pebble,

Life has an end every time,
Still wanna live it don't know why.

- Written by Anusha Bhadauria

Blindfold

Your desires will die inside,
Don't let your world be so confined,

Why don't you realize- That your thoughts are controlled,
Jus' try to remove that blindfold,

Sarcasm and anger are not the keys,
You are the one who can set yourself free,

The compromises that you make are of no worth,
Coz' you losing all your inner faith and trust,

Your emotions are not so vague,
Jus' need to come out of this haze,

Life is short, make it beautiful,
Don't be so rude and make life tragical,

Look around, whole world is yours,
Keep trying to find what you looking for....

- Anusha Bhadauria

My Friend....

I remember the days when I was so alone,
Used to go to work and come back home,

I have always had friends who were there for name sake,
Till the time you entered my life and won my faith,

You are the one to know how I feel,
Even before I wish to speak,

You make my world so complete,
Don't know without you where I'd be,

Your care, concern and affection,
Wash away all my affliction,

I know you are there when I feel blue,
Now I am blessed to have a Friend who is so true.

- Anusha Bhadauria

Only You!

Tell me would you set me free,
Tell me would you walk with me.

I have been waiting for so long,
Within an emotion so strong.

I must have a story,
Full of romance & glory.

You exist in my fantasies,
I see a tinge image and chase.

why can't you be the part of my reality,
Wanna face this world with u but lonely.

Reality seems meaningless without you,
And no one seems to be mine.

Don't know where do you exist,
But feel the pain inside.

I don't feel safe without you,
But I am sure your embrace will save me...

- Anusha Bhadauria

You are the ONE!!!

In this never ending Riddle,
Don't you stay in the Middle....

Walk through these blue Nights,
With the Serenades flowing inside....

What you lost you may never get,
But you may have something better than that....

Don't be so afraid to open your eyes,
The world is beautiful and so is the life....

You may run, but you can't escape,
Love surrounds you, you jus' need to embrace....

Listen to these voices, calling your name,
Full of care and trust that they won't play any game....

Don't be afraid to Trust,
Don't walk away, no matter what....

Millions of colors say "Hi" to you,
A rainbow above is waiting for you too....

Open the door and see the Sun,
Jus' believe that you are the ONE!!

- Anusha Bhadauria

I Blame You!!!!

I blame you,
for the pain you caused....
I blame you,
for the faith i lost....

I blame you,
for making me strong....
I blame you,
for teaching me wrong....

I blame you,
for passing me by....
I blame you,
for asking me why....

I blame you,
for giving me a Sign....
I blame you,
for the essence of pain still alive....

I blame you,
for creating those fantasies....
I blame you,
for showing me realities....

I blame you,
for that fake embrace....
I blame you,
for stealing that craze....

I blame you,
for changing me....

You are the one who should be blamed....I am tired of being Sorry for myself....

- Anusha Bhadauria

Your Essence...

Your essence washes over me,
Flooding me with emotion.
Your current grabs hold
And tosses me into a stormy sea.

Mystery lies deep within,
A vast body of life,
Where your soul swims with mine.

Your voice calls out to me,
Seagulls singing in the ocean breeze,
A sad melody of yearning,
That longs for a special place to be.

With each deep breath I take,
Salty tears wrap around me,
Longing to be with you,
When I am asleep and awake.

Like diamond jewels of the night sky,
And grains of sparkling glass in the sand,
Your eyes draw me to a place of peace,
Where my heart fills with joy...

- Dhruv Chokshi

Dhruv is a great friend and a regular reader of my blogs. It has been a great opportunity to add his little piece of writing in this blog. Thanks Dhruv.

I Met Those Innocent Eyes

When I met those innocent Eyes,
I could see the pain when they cry...

Those Eyes,
Full of expectations and desires,
which are died inside...

Those Eyes,
Longing to survive...

Those Eyes,
Tired of shedding tears every night...
Those Eyes,
Looking for me to rescue them...

Those Eyes,
Hungry, restless and full of Affliction...

Those Eyes,
Don't see dreams...

Those Eyes,
Suffering...

Those Eyes,
Unaware of wrong doing...

Those Eyes,
Untouched by love & affection...

Those Eyes
Why always mistreated...

Those Eyes,
Why don't deserve a normal life...

Those Eyes,
Memory of them don't let me sleep...

Those Eyes,
I wish I could embrace their pain...

Those Eyes,
I can't forget but I can't see them again...

Those Eyes,
Don't know how long they will survive...

Those Eyes,
Still Smile...
- Anusha Bhadauria

These street kids can be seen very easily in various countries. But no one is aware what they go through in their lives. They get this life when they know nothing about it. They don't know what is good & what is bad. They are born on streets and they die there. We can see them but avoid them as if they don't exist or mistreat them. Their lives start & end with sufferings. Don't know who created us, gave us so called beautiful life, but looking at them can we still say that life is Beautiful. But they still survive. Why?. Don't know what their dreams are and what their desires are. Can't say if they spend life only looking for one time meal or thinking about other achievements. If they feel affection & affliction. Don't realize what they feel when they are mistreated & hated. I have everything but still not satisfied, what about them? Nothing more to say, but just hoping that atleast at some point of time if we could feel the pain they go through and if could do something for them.

Jus'...

Moments -

Leaving us behind.

Emotions -

So Pristine.

Perfection -
Not Sublime.

Deception -
Why so Strong.

Affection -
Lost Control.

Emptiness -
Rising Fast.

Love -
Full of Lust.

Affliction -
Downcast Eyes.

Soul -
Screaming Inside.

Tears -
Eyes are Dried.

Remorse -
Don't Survive.

Devotion -
Only Surmise.

Touch -
A Last Surprise.

Life -
Jus' A Quest.......

-Anusha Bhadauria

He Felt The Pain

He saw her falling,
He had to sprint to hold her, to save her,
But time was rolling,
It was too late when he reached her,
He took her onto his lap,
The blood smeared her face,
Her half opened eyes were telling him, that she has less time left,
Tears were rolling down his cheeks, but he was helpless,
He kept calling her name, but she didn’t hear him,
He was pleading her to stay back,
He was screaming if somebody could help,
She was trying to hold her heartbeats,
But she was short of breath,
He was trying but couldn’t hold her soul in,
He was shattered and
She was gone, forever
Leaving a lifeless body behind.

-Anusha Bhadauria

Happy Birthday Mom

you were the first one to hold me when i opened my eyes in this world for the first time…
you kissed me and made me feel that i am blessed from above….
God sent you to take care of me because he can’t be there…
you supported me when i was unable to stand on my feet…
i learned to walk because of you…
you saved me from all difficulties…
you saved me from falling….
you never let me cry…
you never let me feel alone…
even if i don’t speak up, you know what & how i feel…
even if this world leaves me, i’m sure i won’t be alone…because God blessed me to have you…
you brought me into this world…
i am extremely glad to wish you Happy Birthday….
the day when the story of my existence began…
i will wait whole year to wish you again..
words are less to say how special you are..
Happy Birthday Mom…
Love you.
-Anusha Bhadauria

A Surmise

Millions of words are left unsaid,
Tremendous of fervours are left unshown,
Feel secluded in Swarm..
Why I sob my heart out??
No one to Scour my Tears,
I look around to find someone…
I look around to find you…
But can only see a shadow - Going away.
How can I make you stay??
You are gonna be my destiny,
Is it jus’ a Myth or a Great Deceptive Surmise..
Sometimes feel so Faithless…
Trust Me..My Heart is Pure,
But don’t know why I have a Proclivity to hide from you..
Intermittent flux in the Demeanour shatters me,
Could never found you beside me..
Do you really ease the pain…
I am stuck in this darkened room,
Like a forgotten musical instrument,
No hopes left inside…
But still waiting,
Waiting for you to release me….
Would you help me,
I shall lie at your feet,
And you stopping me from closing my Eyes forever….
Would you even care to take my life….
-Anusha Bhadauria

Felt The Demise

I could see a mob..
Who were they???
Closed my eyes to remember,
Do I know them,
Yes..
They all are my loved one’s ,
Moaning, Screaming, Crying..
I was oblivious,
Went a little ahead,
Saw myself..Drenched in blood…
They were ready to lay me to rest,
What was that silver drape for??
My Heartbeat was gone,
I was suffocating….
Every Moment of my life was clear,
Thinking what I could gain, what I could lose…
I wanted all of them to listen to me, But Invain..
I shouted if they could save me..
I knew I would never miss endearments and something which I Never got,
Remorseful…….
Why you had to leave me in this inferno??
I shouted but you went Deaf…
I Pleaded but you ignored..
Not don’t know where I am,
Swaying with the wind…..
Shield is disappearing…
Still feel the pain……

-Anusha Bhadauria

Smothers

I look out the Window,
All Dark,
No Shimmer….
Scared to move out of this Room,
I’m afraid,
Don’t want to fall….
I’m stuck in this Mire,
Could you Comprehend??
Your Impishness torments me,
I seems, I’m living without a meaning….
Trust me…
Frevours were pure,
Something with no cure,
I knew I had lost it,
I was mistaken,
Regret what I have done,
I killed myself….
Now I need you to hold me,
Won’t you come listen to me??
Would you come back to me???
Take me out of this Darkness…
This Smothers me,
I need Wings to fly out this night…
Please don’t go Away….Take me Along….

-Anusha Bhadauria

The Lost Sanctity

Don’t wanna sleep now,
coz don’t wanna dream of you,
Don’t want to change my sight,
Don’t wanna listen to you.
Your memories steal my smile and peace of mind,
You cracked the wall,
Don’t wanna remember you now.
You tore me apart,
You didn’t realize,
I’m still taking the pain, and you smilin’
Though do not know the reason why??
You said I complete you and your Life,
Why did you deceit, when I Meant nothing to you.
Now compelling myself to believe that you are nothing to me now,
wanna hate you the way I used to do,
But a slight touch of yours don’t let me believe…
I saw you with them and with her..was shattered again,
Felt a slight pain and that’s not okay,
I don’t feel safe and don’t wish to die,
But won’t ask you to save me….
The sacred love inside me lost the will,
How you wish to be happy??
you lost everything but believe still alive,
you trying to escape,
your narcissism won’t let you live….
could you ever overcome the narcissism??
stop staring through that prism..
I may live, I may die,
but how would you survive..when you have nothing..
come out of your surmise and cowardliness..
When the sanctity of your heart is Lost……..
- Anusha Bhadauria

Find Me....

Can you see me???
I’m standing next to you…
Can you hear the silence around you
which you must…
When you look back, you would see a Desert…
Ahead you find an Ocean…
Where you want to go???
I’m with you..
but you need to find me..
Unlike a moment, I can come back…
Why is this dilemma??
You know what you need,
You can’t ignore.
You know what you want,
You can’t escape.
You want to embrace me & want never let go,
But why can’t you find me,
Your Zeal isn’t genuine, isn’t true.
Your dreams ain’t real..
Stop fooling yourself,
break the fake shield around you,
Set yourself free..
Find me..
I am right behind you..

-Anusha Bhadauria